Friday, January 27, 2012

10 Signs I am a Middle-Aged, Suburban, Housewife

Signs that I hopelessly am hopelessly middle-aged have been piling up lately, even if we discount the fact that I just turned 34.  Here are the top ten.

  1. I haven't used AAA in years.  During my college years, my card was worn smooth with pulling it out of my wallet to call them to tow my Escort/Skyhawk/Rabbit back to the farm so Dad could revive it, however ephemerally.  I got our replacement cards in the mail this week, and I couldn't remember the last time I called them.  And it was probably some hopelessly suburban reason, like having a nail in my tire, not catastrophic engine failure coupled with shot brakes.
  2. I drink copious amounts of herbal tea.  Actually, I'm not sure this is a sign I'm middle-aged.  It might be a sign that I have been reincarnated as a vegan college student wearing dreads and reeking of incense.  However, it definitely is weak sauce compared to my daily Diet Pepsi intake in the college years.
  3. I do laundry on a schedule.  In college, I washed my clothes when A.) I didn't have any clean clothes or B.) I was desperately trying to avoid writing a paper.  Now, I have two days of the week that I have designated as laundry days (Monday and Friday, if you're burning up with curiosity).
  4. I run blatantly stereotypical errands.  Last week, I did an errand run to the post office, bank, dump and grocery store.  In my minivan.  With two kids.
  5. I eat a high-fiber breakfast cereal every. single. morning.  In my defense, I occasionally switch between Frosted Mini Wheats and Raisin Bran.
  6. I am older than most famous people.  I will be reading the morning paper (either over my shredded wheat or my peppermint tea, natch), and the amazing person I am reading about who has climbed Everest / composed a symphony / started a Montessori school for Haitian orphans funded by the proceeds of their bestselling book-- is a decade YOUNGER than me.  That kills me far more than having another birthday.
  7. I occasionally find music to be too loud.  I've never been the kind of person to have music on 24/7, but if I did hear music, I liked it loud.  Now, I go places and wish they would please just turn the volume down.  And it's not because my hearing has gotten better-- I think Evan wishes I would hurry up already and just buy the hearing aid.
  8. I would rather eat birthday cake with toddlers than have a night out on the town.  Or, at least, I want to wrap up the night on the town by getting home in time to tuck the kids into bed.
  9. I write things on my calendar like "Change the furnace filter".  And I usually do such a thing on the day I designated for that incredibly mundane task.
  10. I find middle-aged guys hot.  My kids are loving watching the YouTube video of Celtic Thunder singing "All God's Creatures Got a Place in the Choir" lately.  Celtic Thunder, at least for this video, is five guys singing.  The youngest one, Damian McGinty, is about 16-17 in the song.  He is gorgeous-- but I mostly want to pinch his cute little cheeks and pat his head.  On the other hand, forty-something year old (bald) George Donaldson-- him, I can imagine swooning over.
Okay, now I'm off to drink tea and read a novel before I turn on my electric blanket, put on my socks, obsess over dental hygiene, and crawl into bed.

There's officially no hope, is there?

8 comments:

Olivia Vaughan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Olivia Vaughan said...

Clover. Really now? George? HE'S BALD. And has no hair. And there's Ryan. And Keith. And Emmitt. And ANYONE else. I think you really must be middle aged.

Busy Beavers said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Is it sad that I can relate? I don't even have kids and I'd rather eat birthday cake than have a night on the town 99% of the time. I prefer to think of this as being comfortable with who I am. ;)

Verity Earl said...

Hey! Olivia! There is nothing wrong with bald dudes!

And Clover, I don't think these are signs of middle-agedness. They sound like signs of adulthood to me. I can relate to a good majority of them and I'm not even 30, and not a mom. So I beg to differ! ;)

Olivia Vaughan said...

It's not about the baldness, it's just that most everyone else is cuter in the group. :)

laura said...

I'm with Ver!

I've got #s 1, 2, 5 and 7 down at age 28! (:

Laura said...

I had forgotten just how much I adore Celtic Thunder so thanks for the reminders! We actually saw them once - very spur of the moment and crazy-good. And George? Ohhhh, yeah. I get it! (wink)

Bethaney said...

I don't think I have seen Celtic Thunder videos, so I guess I can't give my opinion on relative hotness. But I am pretty sure I am middle aged and I am okay with that. I am not as organized as you, so maybe I am just an immature middle aged person. :-)